My history with boys and perspective on marriage has quite the timeline. As a new year begins and a new stage of life quickly approaches, this timeline and perspective changes right alongside it.
High School: I always had a relatively serious boyfriend. Some more serious than others, but I was always in a relationship, and I dreamt about marriage during every single one. During our best friend slumber party predictions, I always ranked at the top of the list for “who would get married first.” I fantasized about marriage, knew I would have a fiancé by my 22nd birthday, and made out with boys while listening to “Today was a Fairytale.”
Freshman year of college: My first year without a boyfriend. The “we’re not promised marriage” phase. Don’t tell me I’m going to be a wonderful wife one day, because guess what?! We’re not promised marriage! These outburst weren’t some feminist movement, some cry out against the role of women in our world- no. They were outbursts of fear. I was terrified. I was terrified that I wouldn’t get married, that all of hopes of marriage would be taken from me. And so to protect my heart, I needed to recognize that I might not get married, and therefore shouldn’t dream about it, because I could end up 45 and alone with lots of cats and shattered dreams.
Sophomore year of college: The beautiful realization that the desires inside our hearts, the desires for good things, are placed there by God, and scripture says He gives us the desires of our hearts. (Psalm 37:4) I should never desire a husband above Christ, but desiring marriage is okay. Marriage is a good, beautiful, God given gift, and it is okay to hope for and dream of that. I found so much freedom in this, and fear fell away with the new found trust that God is good and His plans are better than mine.
Junior year of college: This was the “IDGAF” stage. Marriage is great, I’ll probably get married one day, but right now, friends are more fun than boys and I’m 100% fine being single. It was so much fun. The light had come, and I had realized that marriage changes everything, and I wasn’t ready to give up any of my independence for those changes yet. Mountains and margaritas were more fun than marriage.
Senior year of college: Engagement season. The engagements and weddings of close friends have brought about the end of the “IDGAF” stage. So began the time of patiently waiting for my turn, all the while desiring that I could be the cool, independent, badass girl who rejoices in the “IDGAF” stage forever.
So here I am, sitting in bed at my parents’ house, far past the realization that my high school predictions have turned to dust. I’m turning the page towards a new stage, a new perspective. Yesterday I went to the bookstore and bought a new journal- 200 fresh new pages, a journal that will one day be given to a man who I love and choose to marry. Today, I begin filling this journal with prayers. Prayers for him, and for his heart, and for the man he is growing to be right now.
I know there will be new stages and perspectives ahead, hopefully the “holy sh*t I’m getting married” stage will come eventually. But right now I’m called to wait, and waiting doesn’t mean putting my life on hold. I can still be the badass, mountain climbing, margarita loving, gospel proclaiming girl I love being. Waiting and trusting just means having a heart that is patient. So while I’m not climbing a mountain or throwing a killer dance party with my best friends, I will take a moment aside to pray for the mystery man who will one day mean so much to me.
“But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” Romans 8:25